The Namesake

He is wandering in the library that he fell in love with, the first time he saw it. The choices are staggering, too good to be true. Almost anything he has wanted to get his hands on is in here. One of the ways he likes to read is to pick a book at random. If it is meant to be read by him, it will be find its way to him. Just like a lot of other things in life have come his way. He is happy to put in his effort & let things take its own course. Fate? destiny? maybe! He spots a row of books with the same jacket. Simple, yet attractive. Just like his taste in women. He knows it is from a prize winning author & has heard a lot of people rave about it. Soon, he & the book leave the library in each other's company. He can't wait to start reading. He is immersed in it. The words leaping at him, conjuring images. Images he likes. Images he thinks he can identify with. It leaves no details out & he relishes on all the details, sometimes pausing in between to let the words he has read, sink in & conjure up an image. It is like watching his own private movie. He reaches for the book every bit of free time he gets, in between his busy days. On the bus, the train, sometimes even while walking around. Soon he becomes entagled with the characters, the line between fiction & life starts getting blurred. He can identify with the life the protagonist goes through. Without realising he is drawn into the characters. He understands the pain that comes with the loss of a parent. The joy of living life on his own terms.The relationships he goes through. Soon he is married to a girl with a past. A past which would have affected others, but they are head over heels in love to let anything else spoil it. The wedding reminds him of possibilities. The life that could have been. Not without regret, but with a little detachment. He is now watching 2 movies. One is the book in his hand & one is his past playing out to what he would have liked it to be. They start mingling with each other. The passion slowly gives way to small niggles, but nothing that cannot be sorted out by sitting down & talking. The parallels continue. Soon, he learns that she has been seeing another man. He cannot see the justification. A knife goes through his heart. The pain is now unbearable. He has just started beleiving in relationships again & he feels that faith slowly slipping away. He knows the feeling is not meant to be permanent, but he can't push the pain away as much as he tries. Walking through crowded streets still leaves him with an empty feeling. He skims through the remaining of the book, disbelieving that a marriage can be as fragile as an affair, a misplaced sense of belonging. He knows he is not doing justice to the book, but he can't bring himself to finish it. Life is not meant to be this way. Where is the happy endings he was promised? The happy endings he has always believed, are what good people deserve. The reward for making honest efforts. Now it all seems so absurd. Was he being blind when he choose this life? Were his choices flawed? He desperately seeks re-assurance that life does not have to be this way. Thankful for the next 2 hours spent in a dark hall, watching a movie he loves, in company he likes. He knows he will step out of that hall, with a renewed sense of faith & is already planning how it should be celebrated.

Celebrating a heartbreak

I am celebrating a heartbreak!
Come on man! What bullshit is that?
No! I'm serious. I AM celebrating a heartbreak.
yeah right! Its just all that beer talking. That's it! you're not having any more.
No way man. I just got started. The beer is just the catalyst man. It enables clarity of thought. All that was at the back of your head & you wanted to say. Everything we file away for posterity just comes pouring out.
In other words, stuff you would otherwise be embarassed about, when sober?Come off it dude.
Dude, I am not drunk!
Famous last words!"I wasn't drunk, I was just checking to see how quickly the car could stop!"
Well, see.Imagine someone close to you dies. What do you do?
Mourn of course, except if its my mother-in-law! Then i'd agree with your celebrating theory!Granted!
Anyway, so here you are mourning & for how long? just a few days. Then you call everybody over & feed them a lavish lunch, while everyone sings praises of the departed one. Is this not celebrating?
Hmm..probably.
Hah! Probably? have some more beer dude. Your archives are still not ready to come our eh?Anyway, you first go into denial. No way can this person be dead anymore. How can someone you spoke to in the morning, just stop being that person anymore. At first you just don't know how to deal with all that vaccum.It's vaccum in a way isn't it? You were so used to having this person around you that you hardly noticed the space they occupied, took for granted.Well, not always, but in a sense.It was a place in your sphere you were used to seeing being occupied. Realising that this vaccum now needs to be dealt with leads to Anger.Anger at being cheated of her presence.
Did you just say "her"??
In a way of speaking, of course. I am not biasing this on gender. Just figuratively speaking. Don't go reading between the lines & stop trying to sidetrack me. So, then come the questions. Why her? why now? why this way? why so suddenly? so many why's.Finally when we accept the fact, or rather resign ourselves to accepting the fact, we have most of the answers.
Why resigned to accept? Isn't that being very pragmatic?
Well, look at everything in hindsight. Even your sub-concious decisons are pragmatic!
I beg to disagree. Being in love is anything but pragmatic.
That's what you think! When all the shine wears off, or at least one person thinks the shine has gone off the new found love, its bye bye time my friend. Then comes pragmatism again & the dawn of a heartbreak!
There we go again. Man! you are so twisted. But this is getting interesting. Go on.
Ok. So now that we have established that the heartbreak has happened, what are your choices? You start treating this as the death of an emotion. Something that was nurtured & gave you immense joy, but now it is not there anymore. Its like a tree you plant.
Dude! I get the idea. Enough of the anlogies.
Chill man! I think you just scared that chick away
What?where? was she the one in red?
Got you! wait till I tell your wife about this. Anyway getting back to what i was telling you. So now you start seeing the emotion as one that you are mourning. So, the stages you go through are pretty similar.
Does this mean you get to pay the bill tonight?
Hmm..see what i said about Pragmatism!
Touche!
So, now I am at the stage where i know that she is gone & won't come back. If we do meet years down the line, I am not sure if she will look the same or feel the same.I have gone through all those stages & today it dawned that I am at the stage where I am celebrating my heartbreak.So, yes my man, your drinks are on me. I am finally going to start a new phase.I am not going to live in the past & am going to move on. I am buying a new bike first thing tomorrow.

Composed when drinking alone in a bar...shows eh? ;)