The Namesake

He is wandering in the library that he fell in love with, the first time he saw it. The choices are staggering, too good to be true. Almost anything he has wanted to get his hands on is in here. One of the ways he likes to read is to pick a book at random. If it is meant to be read by him, it will be find its way to him. Just like a lot of other things in life have come his way. He is happy to put in his effort & let things take its own course. Fate? destiny? maybe! He spots a row of books with the same jacket. Simple, yet attractive. Just like his taste in women. He knows it is from a prize winning author & has heard a lot of people rave about it. Soon, he & the book leave the library in each other's company. He can't wait to start reading. He is immersed in it. The words leaping at him, conjuring images. Images he likes. Images he thinks he can identify with. It leaves no details out & he relishes on all the details, sometimes pausing in between to let the words he has read, sink in & conjure up an image. It is like watching his own private movie. He reaches for the book every bit of free time he gets, in between his busy days. On the bus, the train, sometimes even while walking around. Soon he becomes entagled with the characters, the line between fiction & life starts getting blurred. He can identify with the life the protagonist goes through. Without realising he is drawn into the characters. He understands the pain that comes with the loss of a parent. The joy of living life on his own terms.The relationships he goes through. Soon he is married to a girl with a past. A past which would have affected others, but they are head over heels in love to let anything else spoil it. The wedding reminds him of possibilities. The life that could have been. Not without regret, but with a little detachment. He is now watching 2 movies. One is the book in his hand & one is his past playing out to what he would have liked it to be. They start mingling with each other. The passion slowly gives way to small niggles, but nothing that cannot be sorted out by sitting down & talking. The parallels continue. Soon, he learns that she has been seeing another man. He cannot see the justification. A knife goes through his heart. The pain is now unbearable. He has just started beleiving in relationships again & he feels that faith slowly slipping away. He knows the feeling is not meant to be permanent, but he can't push the pain away as much as he tries. Walking through crowded streets still leaves him with an empty feeling. He skims through the remaining of the book, disbelieving that a marriage can be as fragile as an affair, a misplaced sense of belonging. He knows he is not doing justice to the book, but he can't bring himself to finish it. Life is not meant to be this way. Where is the happy endings he was promised? The happy endings he has always believed, are what good people deserve. The reward for making honest efforts. Now it all seems so absurd. Was he being blind when he choose this life? Were his choices flawed? He desperately seeks re-assurance that life does not have to be this way. Thankful for the next 2 hours spent in a dark hall, watching a movie he loves, in company he likes. He knows he will step out of that hall, with a renewed sense of faith & is already planning how it should be celebrated.

Celebrating a heartbreak

I am celebrating a heartbreak!
Come on man! What bullshit is that?
No! I'm serious. I AM celebrating a heartbreak.
yeah right! Its just all that beer talking. That's it! you're not having any more.
No way man. I just got started. The beer is just the catalyst man. It enables clarity of thought. All that was at the back of your head & you wanted to say. Everything we file away for posterity just comes pouring out.
In other words, stuff you would otherwise be embarassed about, when sober?Come off it dude.
Dude, I am not drunk!
Famous last words!"I wasn't drunk, I was just checking to see how quickly the car could stop!"
Well, see.Imagine someone close to you dies. What do you do?
Mourn of course, except if its my mother-in-law! Then i'd agree with your celebrating theory!Granted!
Anyway, so here you are mourning & for how long? just a few days. Then you call everybody over & feed them a lavish lunch, while everyone sings praises of the departed one. Is this not celebrating?
Hmm..probably.
Hah! Probably? have some more beer dude. Your archives are still not ready to come our eh?Anyway, you first go into denial. No way can this person be dead anymore. How can someone you spoke to in the morning, just stop being that person anymore. At first you just don't know how to deal with all that vaccum.It's vaccum in a way isn't it? You were so used to having this person around you that you hardly noticed the space they occupied, took for granted.Well, not always, but in a sense.It was a place in your sphere you were used to seeing being occupied. Realising that this vaccum now needs to be dealt with leads to Anger.Anger at being cheated of her presence.
Did you just say "her"??
In a way of speaking, of course. I am not biasing this on gender. Just figuratively speaking. Don't go reading between the lines & stop trying to sidetrack me. So, then come the questions. Why her? why now? why this way? why so suddenly? so many why's.Finally when we accept the fact, or rather resign ourselves to accepting the fact, we have most of the answers.
Why resigned to accept? Isn't that being very pragmatic?
Well, look at everything in hindsight. Even your sub-concious decisons are pragmatic!
I beg to disagree. Being in love is anything but pragmatic.
That's what you think! When all the shine wears off, or at least one person thinks the shine has gone off the new found love, its bye bye time my friend. Then comes pragmatism again & the dawn of a heartbreak!
There we go again. Man! you are so twisted. But this is getting interesting. Go on.
Ok. So now that we have established that the heartbreak has happened, what are your choices? You start treating this as the death of an emotion. Something that was nurtured & gave you immense joy, but now it is not there anymore. Its like a tree you plant.
Dude! I get the idea. Enough of the anlogies.
Chill man! I think you just scared that chick away
What?where? was she the one in red?
Got you! wait till I tell your wife about this. Anyway getting back to what i was telling you. So now you start seeing the emotion as one that you are mourning. So, the stages you go through are pretty similar.
Does this mean you get to pay the bill tonight?
Hmm..see what i said about Pragmatism!
Touche!
So, now I am at the stage where i know that she is gone & won't come back. If we do meet years down the line, I am not sure if she will look the same or feel the same.I have gone through all those stages & today it dawned that I am at the stage where I am celebrating my heartbreak.So, yes my man, your drinks are on me. I am finally going to start a new phase.I am not going to live in the past & am going to move on. I am buying a new bike first thing tomorrow.

Composed when drinking alone in a bar...shows eh? ;)

Da Vinci Could?

Damn!This guy is reading way too fast for me. I should just not have peeked into his book. BUt then how else would i start a converstaion. He hardly seems the chatty type. & i can't be blamed for not trying.They just don't make guys like they used to. I remember all the ones in college. Morons. never knew how to treat a girl. Now this guy seems kind of sweet. Definitely not geeky. Definitely my type. Well at least he has chosen the same book that i am reading. Now how freaky is that. Imagine sitting next to a good looking guy & reading the same book as he is, 35,000 above the ground. Damn! he seem so engrossed in that book. maybe i should wait for him to finish that book, before i send a conversation starter his way. What better way to
start a conversation than with this book. If only i can keep up with him & finish it just as he does. I can then close my book with a flourish & say something smart about the book. Shoot. He's tunred another page. Hmm.Maybe this page is not that important & I can skip it.So here we are, 156 pages into the book & he still hasn't taken his eyes off that book & we have had two lines of conversation. "Hi, I think you're in my seat.""Sorry. I like the aisle because of the legroom. please go ahead & have your seat" Maybe i should have given him the aisle seat. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to talk to me. Damn! I can be so daft at times. He is kind of tall & I am sure he could have made use of the legroom more than me. I might have enjoyed the window seat as well. Hmm..but then, this is such a long flight & I will need to use the loo, so maybe the aisle
seat IS a better idea. Well, it is & if he wants this seat he can ask me. maybe he is too shy to ask me. Or maybe he finds me too intimidating. How can that be? I have been polite with the stewardess & everybody else, haven't I? Maybe i can talk to him when he has to go to the loo. Uh oh, there go a few more pages. I better start concentrating or I won't really have much to discuss when he finishes the book. ok, so they were in Paris, so how did they end up in England
now? Why do they keep talking about Christ every now & then? oh well, I better read on. I'l probably get it in the next few pages. Maybe they have time travel. Time travel huh? that would be neat. I am sure that would wipe away so many hours of such flights going halfway around the earth! There is a downside too. I wouldn't have got to meet this guy...Ah here we are..just 10 pages to go..but for christ's sake, i don't know why these people are in this old church. What does Magdalene have to do with these kids? Oh well, maybe these few pages will tell me.Ah! there he's finished the book. Now is my chance to close the book with a flourish. Not too soon & not too late. Here goes.
"So, neat book huh? i saw you were reading the same book. How freaky is that?"
"Kind of cool uh?. I noticed that. So, which part did you like best?"
"Um..everything actually. really wonderful way of writing. Very close to reality!"
"Really, so you believe that? kind of hard to believe i would think. i think i liked the movie better though."
"You saw the movie? trying to see if you missed something?"
"HaHa. Sort of. Anyway i saw you reading & did not want to disturb you. You looked like you were concentrating really hard!"

The date..

So..tell me again, why are we here?
Isn't this your favourite restaurant?
But why here?
Don't you remember what day it is?
Of Course I do. Why wouldn't I?
Do you remember being here?
How could i forget all those innumerable times?
Remember what i ordered the first time?
Wasn't it that weird sounding dish that you knew i absolutely hated?
I guess i just I loved that look on your face when i ordered?
Or were you just looking at my clothes?
Either way i was entralled wasn't i?
Hmm.. I am still so heady an experience eh?
You have no idea honey, none at all! or do you? more wine?
Its my birthday, bring it on. Why wouldn't i?
Yes. You deserve this honey. All this & much much more. But i don't know if i deserve you?
You don't. That's why I am married to John!You never talk about Mary. How is she?
She's fine. Just the usual banter everyday. Why this, why that?
So she bores you?
Doesn't John. Are all marriages supposed to be so boring?
Probably. But that is not what we are here to discuss are we?What did you call me here for?Maybe this is not the right place to talk about it. Fancy a drive?
In that Jazzy blingy car of yours?
Why not?
Oh well.But why are we heading towards the suburbs?
Time to be surprised, honey. you don't trust me?
Its not that. You wouldn't understand.Have you ever felt the need to be loved & not had it?
Hmm..haven't i heard that before?
Forget it.Uh oh.Why are we stopping here? John might be home you know.What exactly do you have in mind?
Never mind what's on my mind. just follow me. Honey, why these doubts now?
John's home! I wonder why he looks so happy!Oh My god! All my friends are here.This is my best birthday ever.Thank you John!!

Missed call..

Not one message? not even a missed call? Hmm..twelve hours & nobody even thought of me? Why? its Sunday morning. People are probably recovering from their saturday night parties. I wish they would call me to one of those.Sigh! that will be the day. Even if these people have been out all night, I wonder why they didn't think of me? Did i say anything wrong? Well, i probably would have to meet them to do any of that.Its been so long since i met any of them. I miss them all. All those years of friendship have now come to naught? All because they met other people who would partner them for life. Were friends only meant to share your life until you meet that special one? just not fair. Hmm..probably it would have been easier to understand if i was in a "relationship" too. The idea of living with somebody for life is so confusing. My whole life will change. Am i ready for that? maybe not! I wonder how some of them find it so easy to just start living with somebody new. & sometimes people they hadn't even known a few months ago. But to be fair to them, they do invite me & try setting me with someone new every once in a while. Its maybe me who has all the wrong ideas!That still doesn't explain why nobody thought of me in all of 12 hours! 12 hours when the world was partying somewhere & I was lying here recouping from this nasty measles. I know they can't come over & see me, but the least they can do is think about me. Am i so inconsequential in their lives that all it took was for me to be out of sight, to be out of their memories. Did i not leave any mark on any of them? Did those laughters not count? all those moments of joy & pain. They are all probably just busy. Maybe none of them went out. If they were out I'm sure i would have come up for discussion some point of time.At least one of them would have wanted to know how i was or if i was getting bored & dropped me a sms if not called me. how many times have they all partied, missed me sorely & called me. Hmm.. i wonder if they missed me "sorely" or it was trying to rub it in that i am home & they are all out there. Maybe nobody likes me anymore.Damn. Life is going to be so tough to get through!
Mom! what are you doing with my phone? Please put it back on the table.
Honey, that's my phone. See this mark on the camera lens? yours is on the bed. Silly one! buying the same kind of phone & thinking my phone is yours!

The Journey

En saar? Only 20Rs. more please.
But its not even 9:00 pm!
Saar, its soo far away no?
So what?
No other passenger for return Journey saar.
Ok. Whatever. Lets go.
Thank you saar.
All you auto fellows are such con-artists I say. How can you possibly live with your conscience?Sir. Now that is being pretty judgemental.
Woah! & here i thought you just got by with your english.
Yeah, I do have to put on the local accent or else the other auto guys will not let me get away with it.
But why?
Why what? Me riding an auto or me giving away my English?
Um..both actually.
Why should i tell you? Its probably none of your business, but you seem like a guy i'd like to share a drink with, so maybe i'll tell you. I could tell you that i am the professor of Philosophy at the nearby university & you'd probably swallow that with enough gusto.So maybe i'll stick to the truth. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction my friend. Hey! you're with me so far?
Go on. I am recovering!
You're from that big MNC & being behind those walls all through the day has probably skewed your view of the world. Somehwere deep down you have categorized the rest into haves & have nots. You are most certainly not loving this view I am telling you about yourself, but at the same time it has started off a chain of thoughts.
I thought this was about you!
Oh yes.Sorry. Got a tad carried away. Getting back. To cut a long story short, I am actually an english professor but don't teach anymore. Sometimes, you see life going all perfect for you but have no clue whether it was you who designed it or some one else. You like to believe that you have all the answers & all the right questions, but in reality you have no clue.What better way of getting in touch with myself than to observe my fellow beings day in & day out. You wouldn't believe the window i have to my passengers world from this seat. A sort of bubble if you will. The moment i start getting involved it bursts.Hmm..I digress a lot. don't i?
Well..you do have about 10 minutes to get away with your digressing!
haha..well you are the true software engineer aren't you? wanting to quantify everything into a time bound equation? A life dictated by that watch of yours. That is why i hate those things! they somehow trap you in a passive way.
Probably not the way i would put it. I never get my schedules right!
Wishful thinking eh?But just think about it..to quote an airline ad, when was the last time you did something for the first time? not in a long time?
Not really. i do have a social life you know? We do fun things together!
Hah! social life. Where every one feeds off each other enacting the roles they think the other wants to see them perform. Somewhere down the line those started getting more stressful than relaxing. That is one of the reasons i chose this profession. I am at liberty to do what i want. Talk to whom i want to. If i ignore a passenger I'm sure i don't impact his day. On the other hand i will surely be noticed if i go out of the way being nice or if i strike a conversation. Everyday before i head out I pick what i want to be today. Somedays i become the preist who listens, the gossip monger, the woeful husband.. the possibilities are infinite my friend.
A priest? I'm sure that is a difficult one to pull off.
Not really, if you had an inkling of the kind of people who i take for a ride.
haha..good one..
It all depends on what you in the backseat are my friend. I will be what you perceive me. You for instance are not very bothered by the normal guy sitting in my seat, who is just another face you have to deal with before getting to your cosy nest. however this whole change has intrigued you enough to get you away from your monotony & dig into what i am & solve this mystery. In your head you are already going over how you will present this evening to your friends. I am digressing again. sorry.
Hmm.. you are quite the guy though..still dangling that carrot aren't you?
haha..uh oh..here comes the rain. The angels are crying for you my friend.
Uh..why?
For that extra 20 Rs you are going to be relieved of!
haha. I don't i mind it that much now.
How easy it is to please your type, isn't it? if i had come to you asking for money in your local language, would you have parted with it so easily. Maybe i appeal to that half of you which is asking to be pulled out of its reviere & wants a little more excitement than your regular workaholic life offers.Sorry if i am sounding judgemental.
I am not sure if i should agree with you or feel downright offended.One half of me is now all defensive that an auto driver whom i barely know is making judgements on my life. The other half sort of agrees with you.
There's a start! Okay friend. that's it for the night. Here's your destination.

The next day as he pored over the newspaper, pictures of the retail store baron opening his new store caught his eye.The back of the head somehow looked very familiar.

The lift!

Hmm..same old lift.but hey! that girl looks new.maybe she joined recently.wonder what floor she works on. I wonder what it is about these lifts.These uncomfortable silences.Put these same people in an aircraft & they will surely get chatty in a couple of minutes.What would be the appropriate things to say in a lift? which floor? maybe not.Would the girl think I am being prude if i complimented on her dress? she does know how to carry herself. Hmm, how come i didn't notice her before today? maybe things will look up in the office now. All the other women are on the wrong side of 30 & grumpy most of the time. Come to think of it I haven't had a date in a long long time. Maybe this is a sign. Lets see, how should i start the conversation? I think I'll compliment her on her dress first. this will have to be subtle of course. I don't want her to think I am leching.She will of course say thank you, then maybe its time for the next move, "The lift journey seems so much more nicer with you around'.Nah. that is kind of lame & maybe a bit corny too. I don't want her to think I am coming on too strongly now. But it does seem nicer with her around. That whiff of perfume that wafted in with her is soo magnetic.Even at the end of the day.Maybe i should just smile & go away after she thanks me. Keep it slow. Tomorrow I can get around here the same time.Maybe i could even wait in the lobby for her. But then, would she think i am stalking? Hopefully not. I wonder how she looks. The dress & that reflection of half her face look promising. how old could she be? looking at those legs not more than 30 i think. That's quite perfect for me. Ah! there we are.The ground floor at last. There she goes. Here's my chance. Now just a decent enough smile. We don't want to scare her. man! she looks mindblowing. Turn turn, look at me. uh oh! what's that? a mangalsutra around her neck!